So its Fathers day...and i miss my dad!

Having lost my father very unexpected and tragically in 2003 ( i honestly cant believe its been over 7 years now), you can only imagine how difficult Fathers day is for me. This particular day brings up a range of emotions for me that can only be described as extremely overwhelming.
I feel sadness: Sadness that i do not get to spend this day with my dad. That we do not get to reminisce about times when i was little and he was a new dad, and times when i was a teenager and giving him a hard time.

I feel anger: I am angry that my father was taken from me. That he never got to meet my husband and did not get to walk me down the aisle. Don't get me wrong, i know he was there that day in spirit - but its not the same. I'm angry (and sad) that he isn't around to see the brilliant young man his grandson Devan has turned into, or to even meet his new grandson Ryan.

I feel cheated: Cheated out of being a daughter to my father. Cheated out of my role of being a Daddy's girl. Cheated that my son doesn't have a grandfather in his life to guide him and make "grandfather" memories with him.

I feel blessed: Blessed that i had him in my life for the time that i did. Blessed for the lessons that he taught me. Blessed for the morals and beliefs that he instilled in me. Blessed to be the woman that i am today.

Only a few days after my father passed away the Luther Vandross song Dance with my Father came out. Talk about timing. I was actually speaking with a friend the other day and was told that every time they hear that song, they think of me, they remembered when that song came out too.

My heart aches on this fathers day as i remember my father. I miss him dearly. I miss his presence. I miss the smell of his cigarettes. I miss his laugh. I miss his smile. I miss the way he called my name. Most of all i miss having someone i called "dad".

So on this fathers day i pay tribute to my dad and all the other men out there that carry that title. To those of you who still have your fathers in your life....Cherish the time you have with your dad - as i have learned all to well - he could be taken away at any moment!

I miss you daddy!

Mission statement

I attended a Women in Management event last night. The speaker was the director of psychosocial oncology at Rush University Medical Center. I had the pleasure of sitting at the head table with her and chatting before her "talk". After dinner she was introduced and went up to the podium to speak. Her lecture was going to be on the "roller coaster of change". I immediately thought "this should be interesting". She began by talking about how some people fear change while others embrace it as a challenge. Her talk went on and it was very interesting, and then she struck a cord. She talked about how her patients often have fear of the unknown. She went on to say that she often asks her patients "Whats the worst thing that could happen"? After they answer she asks them "and if that does happen, what will you do"? This was fascinating to me. It really got me thinking about my own decision making. I realized that often times i shy away from making a decision if im not sure how things will turn out. Then that got my wheels spinning. At some point in her speech she talked about Jim Collins book "Good to Great". She talked about getting people in the right seats on the bus. Having read the book i was very familiar with what she was talking about. That is when it hit me. Every Great company or organization has a mission statement. I know we have one where i work and it is ingrained in our heads. Every time a new idea comes up the question is posed - "Does it fit within the mission of the organization?" That is how decisions are made. If it fits within the mission its a go - if not the suggestion is scratched. So why is it that as children we are not taught to come up with a personal mission statement? If we all had a firm grip on what our core values are, on what we believe in, and what our personal mission is then every dilemma we faced could be challenged with, does it fit within my core values, what i believe and my mission. How much easier it would be to make decisions with that background to lean on. So i pose the question to you. What are your core values? Have you developed an individual mission statement? What is it? This is not something that can happen with the snap of a finger. Companies spend weeks, sometimes years contemplating the wording of their mission statement. This is something that will take dedication and time. It is though invaluable once you have it. All situations can be evaluated on the basis of do they fit within my mission. It would be so much easier to make decisions if i knew what my own personal mission statement was.

The journey continues.....

Brandon and i attended a wine tasting event with one of my co workers and some of our students. It was a great event and we all enjoyed it. Not only the wine and the food, but also each others company. After the wine tasting was over a few of us decided to go for a drink at a local bar. The conversation soon turned to the class the students were taking and what they were learning about. One of the people in our group works for me - but he is also taking classes. They started talking about leadership and the student next to me leaned over to tell me that Carlos, who works for ,talks a lot about me in class. "All good things" he immediately said. Carlos went on to talk about my leadership style and give examples. It was a little uneasy for me to sit there and listen to someone else sing my praises. Don't get me wrong, it felt good - its just not everyday that you hear someone speak so highly of you to other people and be genuine about it so i guess i was caught just a little off guard. But isn't that what we work so hard for and what we want? For people to appreciate and "like" us? If that is what we want and crave as humans then why is it so uncomfortable for us to hear it? Why is it our first instinct to try to figure out what ulterior motive the person complementing us has? Why cant we just accept that maybe just maybe what they are saying is genuine and they are giving us a complement simply because it is really how they feel and they actually expect nothing in return. It ended up being a great night with great people and great conversation. The journey continues.

I woke up this morning in a pretty good mood. Got my morning kiss from Brandon and went about my business. I decided to work for a few hours from home to try and catch up on emails before i went into the office. I knew if i went in right away chances are i wouldn't get through my emails with all the disruptions i have at work. I noticed i had a missed call from a friend and that he had left a message. I let my mind wander on to the list of things i had to do today and didn't listen to the message right away. One of the things i had to do was to get a hold of two of my students to congratulate them and let them know that they were both going to be awarded a proclamation by the board of trustees of the University i work for. I had recommended both of them for the proclamation after they were the first ever RMU student recipients of a particular scholarship and the university agreed they should be recognized for that. What a joy it was to hear their excitement when i told them both the news. They were both so humble and honored and expressed their gratitude for my nomination on their behalf. The thank you's were almost a little overwhelming for me as i could hear the emotion in the students voices. But that was only the beginning. The journey continued.

I completed going through the ridiculous amount of emails i had in my inbox, i got dressed and got ready for work. Just before leaving my house I decided to check my messages on my cell phone. The message i got was a bit surprising. It was from an old friend who basically said that he was just calling to let me know he was thinking of me. He woke up thinking of me and wanted to let me know how he cherishes our friendship. WOW! That was powerful. I felt so many emotions after hearing that message. Gratitude for him leaving it. Joy for knowing that i have friends like that. I was elated that i had made an impact on someone;s life...to that extent. Don't get me wrong. I work with people daily and i know i make an impact on many students, but what I'm coming to realize is that we as a people don't take the time out to let other people know how much we appreciate the impact that they have made on us - whatever it may be - especially when its a positive one. My journey continued.

On my way to work my phone rang. It was another very dear friend of mine. Her first words to me were "Your going to think this is a really weird phone call". I wasn't really sure where the conversation was going to go from there, but i soon found out. She proceeded to tell me that she to woke up this morning thinking about me and then it dawned on her that she hadn't told me recently how much she valued my friendship, she said she wanted me to know what an exceptional person she thinks i am and that she loved me. WOW! That was powerful! She literally brought me to tears as she expressed her feelings for me as a person and our friendship. It wasn't that i didn't know this. I know we have a great friendship and i know we value each other and the experiences that we have had together, but to hear her say the words "I think you are an exceptional person, I value our friendship, I love you" It was truly overwhelming as this wave of emotion came over me. The conversation went on and we started discussing how each of our lives had changed and how we have both allowed ourselves to let our "busy schedules" get the best of us. When it came down to it we decided we needed to figure out how to take the time for one another. The friendship we have is too valuable to let it go "untouched" for so long. The entire morning was amazing. In a way all of the events of the day validated who i want to be as a person. A great wife, a loving mother, a caring friend, a mentor for my students and my staff, an overall good human being. The journey continues.

All of these events have been a process for me. These experiences are providing clarity. Clarity about who i am and how other people see me. It really got me thinking....Is how i view myself - how others also view me. What would people say at my funeral if i died today. Is that morbid? To me it is all a point of clarity. It would tell me if I'm on the right path. It would tell me if the legacy that i am creating is viewed in the light that i want it to be. So i want to continue this journey and ask you...the people who know me best...what would you say at my funeral if i were to die today?